What was standing in my way

The story of what was standing in my way is not a sweet, flowery one. Be forewarned.

What was standing in my way

was a question that came to my mind on the night my miscarriage began in 2008. I’d had a nightmare and the fitful, fearful, nauseated night that followed would become a major turning point for me.

I was only about five weeks pregnant but enough that we’d told everyone our news and I’d filled out my pregnancy journal with a December 28th due date. A nightmare that might have vanished like a vapor was fresh in my mind when I woke up in the wee morning hours to discover that my son, who was sleeping next to me, had had a diaper leak.

The dream shook me and I couldn’t get back to sleep afterward.

“What’s standing in your way?” was one of the questions that kept running through my mind.

Now I believe it was a two-part question: what was standing in the way of me and my abundant life, and what was standing in the way of me and God.

Neither my purpose nor my relationship with God were dialed in at the time, which is why the miscarriage became a wake-up call.

“What’s standing in my way?” was in the back of my mind for many months afterward.

Allow me to continue with the story first…

The night of the dream was a Monday. By Friday, the bleeding had started and by the next Tuesday, the miscarriage was complete.

I’ll never know what truly happened that night, but I know it was the start of the end.

And I knew I had to find my answer. What was standing in my way??

Recovering from the miscarriage became a quest to overcome a busy, stressed-out, inauthentic life.

Turns out, my…

• people-pleasing habits
• perfectionistic behaviors
• striving to measure up
• feelings of inadequacy
• working to earn grace
• placing a high value on productivity
• habitually putting others first
• lack of self care

…meant that I was the one standing in my way.

It hit me suddenly, after I worked through many of the above issues, and traced it back to one underlying factor: ME.

I was the one standing in my way.

God never asked me to work, strive and prove myself.

People weren’t forcing me to take on more projects and responsibilities.

No one was demanding perfection from me.

My kids didn’t need a Super Mom.

I was doing it to myself. And I, with God’s help, was the one person who could fix it. 

It was a harsh reality. There was no one to blame but myself. And the person with the answers? Also me. Ouch.

That’s why I’ve worked so hard over the nine years since to maintain a life of peace, to take things slow, to honor my true self, to stay connected to God and to carefully guard my time.

I’m the one standing in my way and I’m the one in charge of this one abundant life I’ve been given.

{For further reading about this topic, check out the “You might also love” links at the end of this post}